i'm a dirty liar. however, i promise the following is 100% true.

recently, i''ve been suffering from a new manifestation of insanity. one i'm not sure that i can even verbalize, though i think it might be worth it to try. earlier today, i was in the shower and out of nowhere, this almost subconscious sense of panic starting boiling around for no apparent reason. it's like if i tried just a little less to surpress it, it might just come tearing out of my skin and wreak havoc upon my universe. it might be closely related to restlessness or just plain anxiety, but it's so much more foreboding and yet completely inexplicable. it is usually accompanied by severe dissociation and extreme apathy about my present situation/surroundings. i've tried to focus on it and develop more precise descriptions of what exactly it might be or why it's there at all. it's really hard to shake and it kind of bothers me that i can't explain it to myself, much less an outsider. to be honest, the most similar experience i've had to this was when i was a child. i used to have night-terrors almost nightly for my entire 9th year of life. every night before i went to bed, i'd spend my last couple of hours awake dreading the ordeal i knew i was about to go through. then, inevitably, i'd spin into the night-terror and it would take hours sometimes for me to reason my way out of it. that feeling of panic and the utter lack of control would persist even when i knew i was awake. it was completely illogical and yet the most difficult feeling to escape. i was far too young to be fighting demons like that. and now that i'm older, the demons return, except in a more subversive manner that may prove more difficult to resist, simply because i've lost the strength. i wonder if it'll just kind of go away or if it will get progressively worse until i really do lose touch with reality. i think as long as i have people, i should be okay. it's when i'm alone that i worry. then there's no distraction, no point of reference, no anchor. nothing. just me, myself, and my shifty mind. i don't trust that fucker for shit.

in other news, i've been sick as a dog for a couple days now. feverish delerium and all that. i've been spending most of my time in my bed tossing and turning and wishing i could get up to get some water. and now my family is leaving me alone for 2 days. it would serve them right if they came back and found me two-days-stiff in my bed. i can't believe they'd just leaving their dying daughter alone while they go off to greenville to indulge themselves in fine food and endless entertainment (at my frivolous uncle's house). i'll be here though. listening to morcheeba and drugging myself silly. oh and amusing myself with the ridiculously fruity cigarettes i just bought. they come in a variety of brilliant colors and have shiny gold filters. i look at them and laugh. of course i had to buy them... even at $5.25/pack. i also got a book. to read! isn't that exciting...

it is worth mentioning that this sickness was well-deserved. i committed far too many crimes of the flesh on saturday night to NOT be suffering the consequences now. it was my friend's 20th birthday and it was well-celebrated. for the sake of self-incrimination, i can't list all the bad things i might have done. but there may have been plenty... trust me. at least i didn't do anything/anyone i'd regret. hahaha. i crack me up. seriously though, listen to morcheeba.